


Orbit

by jongdaed



Category: SHINee
Genre: Gen, please read the summary first!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:18:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13164855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jongdaed/pseuds/jongdaed
Summary: Warning: Though I didn’t mention Jonghyun committing suicide explicitly, it’s what this whole thing is based on so if you’re not comfortable with reading that, please don’t.Is this appropriate to post? I don’t know. I’ve contemplated this for a while. I didn’t want to come across as disrespectful, when the grief is still so fresh. And as someone who used to have such thoughts, who had to convince myself that I wanted to live, it hit hard. Writing this helped me to start to move on. I’m uploading this in the hopes that it might help others too.Of course, this is all my imagination and fictional.





	Orbit

**Author's Note:**

> for jjong. i think of you every day.  
> i hope that i did you justice and that you’re happier now.

“... There’s nothing left here for me.”

He didn’t bother to turn around, recognising the voice instantly. How can you have trouble placing a voice that has haunted your thoughts constantly?

Taking a deep breath, he replies, “Why did you come back then?”

He feels it more than he hears it — the sharp intake of breath, the slow exhale. He’s hurt. _You deserve it_ , he thinks, but he immediately feels guilty about having such a thought. When did he become so bitter?

To his surprise, he isn’t upset. Instead, he laughs and says, “Fine. I deserved that. But I hope you’ll hear me out.”

And then Kibum finally turns, the aloof facade crumbling — why did he even bother to put up one, when he knew it wasn’t going to last long around him? — as he faces the person he’s seen time and time again, in his memories and dreams and nightmares. Kim Jonghyun, who he’s missed so badly that it hurt.

To his surprise, the tears well up in his eyes the moment he sets his sight on Jonghyun. Even after a week spent crying, it appears that Kibum hasn’t used up all his tears yet. But who can blame him? It’s only been a week, and after the week he’s had because of Jonghyun, it would be a surprise if he wasn’t more emotional than usual.

Jonghyun sighs when he sees the tears, but Kibum knows, after so many years of being around him, that Jonghyun is close to tears himself. Honestly, he wouldn’t mind if they both just cried together for a while, but a voice in the back of his head tells him that they don’t have much time, so he roughly swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand, and says, “Go on then. You had to have come back for something. What was it?”

He doesn’t mean for the words to come out so gruffly, but he’s kind of mad at Jonghyun for reappearing out of nowhere, and though he should be glad that he’s even here at all, he just can’t control the anger from seeping into his tone. For his part, Jonghyun looks apologetic. He probably knows how hard it is for Kibum to see him again, so he gets straight to the point, no beating around the bush or saying unimportant things.

“I couldn’t stop worrying about all of you. I need to know that everyone will be fine before I can leave for good and stop looking back.” Kibum lets out a long breath at these words. Of course. It’s just like Jonghyun, to leave but still look back so often that it doesn’t seem like he’s gone.

He mumbles something along those lines under his breath, allowing himself those few seconds of grumbling, but then he looks up again and says, “I understand. What would help then?”

Jonghyun doesn’t pause to think before answering, as though he’s in a play and all they’re doing is acting out their roles, their conversation scripted and memorised long ago. “Take care of them. It has to be you, so my mind will be at ease.”

Kibum scoffs at this. “Is that all? I was planning on doing that anyway — and I have been doing that already.” This is when Jonghyun hesitates, looking slightly sad. “Well, no. You have to take care of yourself too, and not shut yourself away.” His words are blunt, and it surprised Kibum, causing him to flinch slightly.

But it’s not like Jonghyun’s words are baseless. How often has Kibum chosen to delay facing things? To close himself away, not allowing anyone to look after him, despite how much he looks after others? He’s not proud to admit it, but he’s been doing that for the past few days too. Forcing himself to be fine when he’s had to be outside, and retreating to his room whenever there’s no need for him to stay out.

Jonghyun smiles slightly, as though he knows the thoughts running through Kibum’s mind. But the sadness in his eyes hasn’t gone away. If anything, it’s even more obvious than before. “It’s hard, isn’t it? I’m sorry that I left like this, I really am. But you understand why I did it, don’t you?”

And he does, of course he does. He’s always been able to understand Jonghyun well. If he hadn’t kept quiet about wanting to leave, he wouldn’t have ended up leaving, because he wouldn’t be able to bear abandoning them. And he would have stayed miserable.

Kibum sighs. He can’t say no to Jonghyun’s requests. So he grudgingly nods, knowing that this means he can’t shut himself away in his room anymore, but he doesn’t find himself minding about that too much when Jonghyun finally gives him a big, genuine smile.

“I knew you’d agree. Thank you, Kibum. It’s comforting to know that you’re still willing to help me.” Those few sentences are enough to bring the tears back, this time with a vengeance. Kibum doesn’t mind, and he lets them flow freely as he replies Jonghyun, “Why wouldn’t I help you? You’re still my brother. I just wish... that things hadn’t been so tough for you.”

Jonghyun walks forward and envelopes Kibum in a hug. It’s so nostalgic that it makes him cry even harder. “Are you happier now?” His voice cracks slightly on the last word, and Jonghyun hears it clearly, feeling his heart crack a tiny bit as well. It’s his fault that things are like this now, and he does feel guilty for leaving everyone so sad, but... “Yeah, I am. Nothing hurts anymore. I haven’t felt this free in so long.”

A wry smile paints Kibum’s face. “It sounds good, maybe I should join you.” But Jonghyun’s face darkens immediately. “No. You’re strong, Kibum. Much stronger than me. I know that you don’t need to leave to be able to do better.”

And what can he say to that? Jonghyun’s not wrong — he’s still getting on with life, after all, despite how painful it can be.

They’re both quiet for a minute, before Kibum decides to speak. “You know how much we all love you, right? And how badly we miss you.” Jonghyun hums. “Of course I do.” His tears have mostly dried by now, but a few more roll down his face as Kibum adds, “And you don’t blame us for not being able to help? For not making things easier for you?” “Never. You all tried, but in the end... it was me.”

Kibum takes a shaky breath. “Sometimes I still can’t believe it. That you’re not here anymore.” Jonghyun smiles a little at this. “I’m still here. I’ll still be around, you just won’t be able to see me.” Kibum mutters, “What’s the use of that?” All Jonghyun says is, “It does help. Believe me.”

 

* * *

 

Their reunion seemed like such a short time, but hours have already passed. It’s long past the time for both of them to say their goodbyes, and Kibum can’t quite bear to; their last goodbye was extremely painful. But he steels himself for it, wanting to say the right words. Jonghyun merely offers a “Bye, Kibum. I miss all of you, a lot.” And he replies that with “Bye Jonghyun, we miss you even more.” It’s true, his heart aches with all the emotion behind that one sentence.

But as Jonghyun turns to leave again, Kibum remembers what he’s wanted to tell him ever since he left, the words desperately clawing their way out of his throat and coming out in a rush. “You’ve done well.”

Jonghyun freezes, and in a quiet voice says, “Thank you. Thank you for telling me that.” And then he walks away quickly, shoulders shuddering from the tears that fall. His silhouette blurs after moments, Kibum’s own sobs wracking his body.

Goodbye, Jonghyun.


End file.
